Monday, November 23, 2009

Holy Cow

What happened to 9 months? Getting sucked in and sucked up I guess. I must be doing something right I'm in demand and not much time to think.
From the cat to the kids to the boss never a dull moment. For some reason it is fine with me for now. I only want to move forward, feeling I have spent to much time in dreaming or in the past.
I feel acutely the impermanence and how all there is is now. So I wander through it or a more apt analogy would be paddle through it -- with about as much control as an inner tube on white water. Practicing action non action, or what ever it is. Practicing. Practicing. Practicing.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Vacations

My vacations, your vacations. Who's vacation is it anyway? I took the week the kids had off and had a long list of to do's. Can you see where I 'm going here? Tuesday I was tired, Thursday I was stressed and Friday, today well I turned sort of what the f*** /zen... and let go.

The whole vacation thing has always perplexed me anyway. I mean, it is supposed to be restful and rejuvenating, and to me that means a good nights sleep, and something that restores my soul. Now, what restores my soul ,interestingly, is simple work of making my surroundings or something beautiful. The garden, painting a room, hanging a picture. Working with my hands and body in the sun and fresh air. If I am inside I want to open the windows. I can go places and see different earth and breathe its air, and collect its things and bring them home. But going some where soulless has lost its lure. The simple work of my dream vacation yields things I can continue to enjoy, an builds something slowly that I treasure. It is not exactly work.

I feel the push to activity for activity sake. It may build a skill but seems strange to me, maybe impractical, because it leaves nothing of value behind for all of its sweat and investment.
I'd rather learn carpentry than snowboarding. I am an alien.
I'll brush up on skiing to fit in, to have something to do with my family. To fit in this leisure class.
But my heart wants to be making something, or growing something, or fixing something.
Blah Blah Blah

Friday, January 9, 2009

Beware the light

I have come to believe that there are infinite passageways out of the shadows, infinite vehicles to transport us into the light. Martha Beck



This little golden light in my dash still twinkles merrily at me some 39 days later without so much as a mushroom cloud or an engine sputter. I've spent a lot of time looking into that light and thinking. Anyone who knows me well is either chuckling or rolling eyeballs by now.
That little tiny light can send me to into all sorts of reaction. How much power I've given it. How many other devices with warning lights and service needed sensors can send that thrill of adrenaline coursing through our veins?
Now don't get me wrong I would not mess with the oil light- there are some lights that mean business. but I think the whole concept has gotten carried away.
But!
The silver lining for me is that the exercise of the annoying engine light has been a minor revelation in our mental programming and culture that has been a source of stress I could not put my finger on. So me and my light are practicing daily detachment and being in the now. Right now the car is fine. I am fine. The world is... well... I am fine..

Stay tuned for the next installment :
The nut walks to work