somewhere between mundane and ridiculous

All it takes a bad haircut to set in motion the wheels of my sorry mind. Was it poor judgement or the universe taking a little back of the good fortune I've had lately? It began with the impulsive decision that I needed a trim, and was facing a busy week. I felt somehow virtuous as I sat to wait my turn in this drive-thru haircutter, thinking of the fifty or so dollars I wouldn't be wasting on such a silly thing as haircut. The girl who came to get me was sweet and used all the right buzz words but I crossed my fingers anyway as I always do when someone new wields scissors in back of my head. I explained what I wanted and she -- as we say in nurse speak --verbalized understanding. One side went fine. I had just begun to relax when -snip. It was done. The girl in her sweet voice said " There hows that?" I said "It is shorter on one side. Way shorter than I wanted." Sweet voice said, "oh, it is a little shorter." I said " A little?? Its about two inches shorter!" Sweet voice trembled and the color rose in her cheeks. At one point she even looked to the ceiling, in a way that made me wonder if she was praying to the goddess of hairdressers to rescue her. I just couldn't let my anger out after that. I thought about the thirteen bucks I'd pay for the haircut and how she told me she was working six days a week. I was polite, paid and left. And ranted to my own hair goddess about the injustice of having to grow these bangs out once again, but the heated leather seat beneath my ample behind reminded my that I really can't complain if a bad haircut is the worst I have to suffer.

can you say ...overtime?

Ok, so two weeks in and I am still loving the new job, although I am fighting my normal tendency to think I can do it all. I have lately begun to see the comedy in the part of myself that always says "I can do that!" I see so many possibilities, and how things can be done and I have often way underestimated what it really takes ( often in terms of time) to do them. So I've gotten myself into a few pickles biting off more than I can chew. It used to be a source of frustration and depression. Now it is more of a source of amusement-- like when the joke IS on you, but you finally can bring yourself to laugh at it too. Now I can hear myself say it " I can do it! I can do that!" and part of me goes "Oh boy, here I go again..." I guess its a good thing to see possibility and believe in my own ability to figure things out. But it is a really really nice thing not to be beating myself up all the time anymore for not actually doing it all. Suddenly many things seem easier, and I am actually doing more than when I worried about it. Funny isn't it?

I'm still alive and well..

I'm still alive and well,
I know sometimes it gets a little hard to tell--
but I'm still alive and well.

2008 fell on me like a roomful of hungry children.
I suppose I knew what I was getting into. I suppose I like the sudden importance my attention seems to have. Call it ego, try as I might I still have one and it is grinning delightfully.
The new job is sort of like falling into vacuum. There is potential in everything but also the weight of making it all manifest. A great scary thrill. What really kicks me is how suddenly I am heard. Of course there are many good reasons for management to stroke me. I am the next best bet. How fast the wind changes..
I will enjoy it for what it is.
I will also test the limits and see where my ideas may carry me.
I am living in interesting times...

As for the rest. There is this insatiable competitive cheer leading monster to feed. Which has brought me to question many things, mostly regarding parents. I see an UNBELIEVABLE effort and assets sunk into this project and am amazed at how little I hear from the parents. There is something distinctly lemming-like about the parent meetings. I go this year because I promised and will see it through. But honestly, I am not converted. On the whole, though, it seems out of balance. An incredible expenditure financially and impact on the family schedule.

I also have been reviewing my perennial guilt over not being a soccer mom. In starting work, I have realized how I need the stimulation and challenges of my work. I felt more alive this past two weeks getting up at 5:30 am than before. Of course that may be an adrenaline high and I may crash and burn next week but.. right now it is great! (woooo hooo!!!)
I confess I tried to like cooking, but really only do it to stop my stomach from growling or to make sure my kids have healthy fuel. I confess that there is nothing more deadening to my soul than picking up the same hairband off the floor for 3 days running(after that it is trash), and the laundry and the dishes and the dust rhinos.... Oh kill me already. I tried to be content with keeping a good house and clean well accessorized children but...
I just can't do it. I look at the MoMs at the bus stop and listen to their talk of classroom volunteering and PTO and I want to melt into the sidewalk. Of course I live in the kind of neighborhood where the moms go running, the dads go running, hell even the dogs are in great shape...I tried running. My knees hurt and I had to pee. Good thing I have two acres to hide on.
I spent two hours chaperoning a field trip to look at some rocks and thought I would lose my hearing when the bus started "singing"(screaming). Calgon would not be enough to take me away.Maybe tequila, but that brings other issues with it.
So I live with this mild mother guilt. I can't do it. I'm not sorry for having my children, but I sure don't want to expand it to dealing with any one else's. They showed me what it really meant to love, but I can feel myself slowly consumed if I do not pull away. Sometimes my daughters seem surprised that I want to go out to meet with an adult friend. They are puzzled-- What you don't want to be with me? WhY?
To be just for a while someone more than your mom or someones wife. Someone I used to be and still am
somewhere.

or a bolt..

From the Suggestion Box:

2007 ... the final hours

I will admit I am not feeling the urgency to leave 2007 that I felt to leave 2004, 2005 and 2006. I feel generally grateful that for me 2007 passed without explosions, death or dismemberment, that many goals I set at the last new year were actually met. I felt I have repaired the holes in my hull, mended the sails and set the rudder. I can see the breeze on the water and soon it will pull me along into something new. I guess it is hope that I feel fully again. After so long wandering about punch-drunk, it feels rather miraculous.
I am the Fool of the Tarot. Wish me luck. Yoikes and away!

To all of my friends, you know who you are. It was your notes and calls and hugs that brought me back from the edge of the abyss, or at least gave me good reason to find my way. I have on my list for the new year to make a point of reminding you who you are and how very much you are worth to me.

To make manifest

For quite a while now I have been sending out to the universe a call for a new occupation. I have wanted to step back from patient care since the tremors are embarrassing and required me to overcompensate with a show of professional confidence that became exhausting. I have had limited opportunity to expand professionally since the home and children where always my domain in entirety. I don't know how other superwomen did it, but when I tried to I took a nose dive and had to retire back to house motherhood. I embraced what I could, but found that stir craziness bubbling up again. I want to work for the stimulation, socialization and respect. I like to feel that I am valued. I like the feeling that I have economic value. It goes with the apocalyptic leanings I have blogged about before. I need to know I can survive on my own. And last but not least, I hate asking anyone for money. I have come to understand that I am not comfortable being dependant. I also tried really hard to put on the apron and be content with that. But children and the incessant "mommy look!" s that go with it wear me down. I want to speak in big words and long sentences. I try to honor it as the most important job in the world, but ... I guess I just can't take it full time... Isn't it ironic?
So last week the universe answered. A memo went up describing what I had asked for, but the position was full time. Oh no. No way. Not again. But thanks to a life friend and college of mine, I was encouraged to throw my hat in the ring and make my conditions.
And what do you know but they offered me the position and accepted my conditions. In fact I was highly recommended by my managers. They are willing to train and hopefully I can earn a certification. !
As always there is that anxiety. But the lure of learning and growing... and all this during school hours!!!
Of course the reaction in the family is positive with a reserve. No one wants their world to be affected.
Well. We'll see. Because the other thing I have been asking the universe for is for my world to conform now to my direction, as it has been for so many years the other way around.