Sunday, September 4, 2011

Is there anybody out there?

Somewhere, somehow out in the virtual great beyond, my words have remained as I left them over a year ago. No dust is on them. No weeds are obscuring them. They are not weathered or torn or buried. I wonder how long they will be there after I am gone. Surely there must be some decay, or virtual closet cleaning at some point?

I have no point really, just thinking...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Assimilated into the Borg

Somehow another 8 months have gone by.
As in a dream.
Like a ride on the highway the scenery whizzes by, with an occasional sign post, but mostly a blur. And as always I wonder if there is a better way to live.
So much time seems to be consumed in just keeping the systems going, instead of doing what needs to be done via the systems. The tool is broken, in short, but we keep trying to make it work.
Work is an insidious tide creeping over my life and it is time , again, to stave it off.
If every day and each moment is all I really have, why the rush and the fuss?
What for?
Like the vines I have been battling in my garden, the demands cling and pull until I can't move or breathe. I fall, and do not move in any effectiveness again until I have either dissolved them,
or myself.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Holy Cow

What happened to 9 months? Getting sucked in and sucked up I guess. I must be doing something right I'm in demand and not much time to think.
From the cat to the kids to the boss never a dull moment. For some reason it is fine with me for now. I only want to move forward, feeling I have spent to much time in dreaming or in the past.
I feel acutely the impermanence and how all there is is now. So I wander through it or a more apt analogy would be paddle through it -- with about as much control as an inner tube on white water. Practicing action non action, or what ever it is. Practicing. Practicing. Practicing.

Friday, February 20, 2009


My vacations, your vacations. Who's vacation is it anyway? I took the week the kids had off and had a long list of to do's. Can you see where I 'm going here? Tuesday I was tired, Thursday I was stressed and Friday, today well I turned sort of what the f*** /zen... and let go.

The whole vacation thing has always perplexed me anyway. I mean, it is supposed to be restful and rejuvenating, and to me that means a good nights sleep, and something that restores my soul. Now, what restores my soul ,interestingly, is simple work of making my surroundings or something beautiful. The garden, painting a room, hanging a picture. Working with my hands and body in the sun and fresh air. If I am inside I want to open the windows. I can go places and see different earth and breathe its air, and collect its things and bring them home. But going some where soulless has lost its lure. The simple work of my dream vacation yields things I can continue to enjoy, an builds something slowly that I treasure. It is not exactly work.

I feel the push to activity for activity sake. It may build a skill but seems strange to me, maybe impractical, because it leaves nothing of value behind for all of its sweat and investment.
I'd rather learn carpentry than snowboarding. I am an alien.
I'll brush up on skiing to fit in, to have something to do with my family. To fit in this leisure class.
But my heart wants to be making something, or growing something, or fixing something.
Blah Blah Blah

Friday, January 9, 2009

Beware the light

I have come to believe that there are infinite passageways out of the shadows, infinite vehicles to transport us into the light. Martha Beck

This little golden light in my dash still twinkles merrily at me some 39 days later without so much as a mushroom cloud or an engine sputter. I've spent a lot of time looking into that light and thinking. Anyone who knows me well is either chuckling or rolling eyeballs by now.
That little tiny light can send me to into all sorts of reaction. How much power I've given it. How many other devices with warning lights and service needed sensors can send that thrill of adrenaline coursing through our veins?
Now don't get me wrong I would not mess with the oil light- there are some lights that mean business. but I think the whole concept has gotten carried away.
The silver lining for me is that the exercise of the annoying engine light has been a minor revelation in our mental programming and culture that has been a source of stress I could not put my finger on. So me and my light are practicing daily detachment and being in the now. Right now the car is fine. I am fine. The world is... well... I am fine..

Stay tuned for the next installment :
The nut walks to work

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Mystery of the Missing Repair

There once was a car from Volkswagen
Whose faith in service was surely worth braggin'
Except that sadly it was blighted
With an engine light so oft lighted
that its owner breathed like the dragon.

Under warranty, the dealer would say
Only a small deductible, you shall pay
but when the owner drove happily home
and yet again the light again shone!
the dealer said come back another day

So the owner said, this is not right
why did you not put out my light?
What is wrong with my car that makes it shine
What is wrong with this dear car of mine?

But the dealer that slippery foe,
Would not say, or did not know,
The system, you see, is very sensitive indeed
You need a professional check in your time of need!
A sensor replaced, a wire jiggle
any thing another deductible to wiggle.

So be warned my fellow of the light in the dash
That frightens and sends one off in a flash
The problem may be that there is no problem at all
and the system itself is the problem -- that's all.
So for all of the fancy spending sensing device
I step on the gas and listen, sounds good- it goes-- that's nice...

OK that was fun.
So the engine light went on again the next day. There is nothing wrong with the car except the diagnostic system. So when hubby called the service rep to ask that this be reevaluated under the fee already paid, they were quick to note that the engine light could be an indicator of some 400 possible things that could be wrong with the car. So in theory, at $100 deductible ($90 for the diagnostic of course) you could spend 40,000 ... I wonder if that counts replacing the sensors, which seemed to be the issue both times so far.... hmmm smell a cash cow. Mean while the car runs FINE..... Damn those little warning lights increasing our cortisol levels.
So in the realm of the ridiculous that is my tale of fixing my car that was not broken... And once again, it amazes me that most of the time, to most of us( me included) we the people accept this as ok, normal, and pay the bill, sign the paper. etc. We give lemmings a bad name.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


It is reassuring to know that there are corporations out there literally scheming to make sure I give a sh...t. Or maybe are concerned for my bowel health, that I may experience bloating or discomfort? Or perhaps it is just sponsored by the heart association that is sure that by increasing my daily intake of fiber I am sure to lower my cholesterol (which surely must be high), and prevent heart disease? So that I can live and work longer and continue to pay my insurance premiums without claim or file for medicare disability?

What EXACTLY does it mean when you come home to find a fairly large, unsolicited sample of fiber supplement in your mailbox? I thought it was a package from Amazon. Markets are collapsing, dire economic predictions, belt-tightening-- yet some marketing genius thought THIS was the perfect time to sell me on a fiber laxative. Seems to me most people might be a little loose in the bowel these days without any assistance. Never mind nauseous from the politics.
One more for the Either Supremely Amusing or Annoying "What are people thinking?!?" file... I've been smiling and shaking my head all afternoon at this one...