Holy Cow

What happened to 9 months? Getting sucked in and sucked up I guess. I must be doing something right I'm in demand and not much time to think.
From the cat to the kids to the boss never a dull moment. For some reason it is fine with me for now. I only want to move forward, feeling I have spent to much time in dreaming or in the past.
I feel acutely the impermanence and how all there is is now. So I wander through it or a more apt analogy would be paddle through it -- with about as much control as an inner tube on white water. Practicing action non action, or what ever it is. Practicing. Practicing. Practicing.

Vacations

My vacations, your vacations. Who's vacation is it anyway? I took the week the kids had off and had a long list of to do's. Can you see where I 'm going here? Tuesday I was tired, Thursday I was stressed and Friday, today well I turned sort of what the f*** /zen... and let go.

The whole vacation thing has always perplexed me anyway. I mean, it is supposed to be restful and rejuvenating, and to me that means a good nights sleep, and something that restores my soul. Now, what restores my soul ,interestingly, is simple work of making my surroundings or something beautiful. The garden, painting a room, hanging a picture. Working with my hands and body in the sun and fresh air. If I am inside I want to open the windows. I can go places and see different earth and breathe its air, and collect its things and bring them home. But going some where soulless has lost its lure. The simple work of my dream vacation yields things I can continue to enjoy, an builds something slowly that I treasure. It is not exactly work.

I feel the push to activity for activity sake. It may build a skill but seems strange to me, maybe impractical, because it leaves nothing of value behind for all of its sweat and investment.
I'd rather learn carpentry than snowboarding. I am an alien.
I'll brush up on skiing to fit in, to have something to do with my family. To fit in this leisure class.
But my heart wants to be making something, or growing something, or fixing something.
Blah Blah Blah

Beware the light

I have come to believe that there are infinite passageways out of the shadows, infinite vehicles to transport us into the light. Martha Beck



This little golden light in my dash still twinkles merrily at me some 39 days later without so much as a mushroom cloud or an engine sputter. I've spent a lot of time looking into that light and thinking. Anyone who knows me well is either chuckling or rolling eyeballs by now.
That little tiny light can send me to into all sorts of reaction. How much power I've given it. How many other devices with warning lights and service needed sensors can send that thrill of adrenaline coursing through our veins?
Now don't get me wrong I would not mess with the oil light- there are some lights that mean business. but I think the whole concept has gotten carried away.
But!
The silver lining for me is that the exercise of the annoying engine light has been a minor revelation in our mental programming and culture that has been a source of stress I could not put my finger on. So me and my light are practicing daily detachment and being in the now. Right now the car is fine. I am fine. The world is... well... I am fine..

Stay tuned for the next installment :
The nut walks to work

The Mystery of the Missing Repair

There once was a car from Volkswagen
Whose faith in service was surely worth braggin'
Except that sadly it was blighted
With an engine light so oft lighted
that its owner breathed like the dragon.

Under warranty, the dealer would say
Only a small deductible, you shall pay
but when the owner drove happily home
and yet again the light again shone!
the dealer said come back another day

So the owner said, this is not right
why did you not put out my light?
What is wrong with my car that makes it shine
What is wrong with this dear car of mine?

But the dealer that slippery foe,
Would not say, or did not know,
The system, you see, is very sensitive indeed
You need a professional check in your time of need!
A sensor replaced, a wire jiggle
any thing another deductible to wiggle.

So be warned my fellow of the light in the dash
That frightens and sends one off in a flash
The problem may be that there is no problem at all
and the system itself is the problem -- that's all.
So for all of the fancy spending sensing device
I step on the gas and listen, sounds good- it goes-- that's nice...

OK that was fun.
So the engine light went on again the next day. There is nothing wrong with the car except the diagnostic system. So when hubby called the service rep to ask that this be reevaluated under the fee already paid, they were quick to note that the engine light could be an indicator of some 400 possible things that could be wrong with the car. So in theory, at $100 deductible ($90 for the diagnostic of course) you could spend 40,000 ... I wonder if that counts replacing the sensors, which seemed to be the issue both times so far.... hmmm smell a cash cow. Mean while the car runs FINE..... Damn those little warning lights increasing our cortisol levels.
So in the realm of the ridiculous that is my tale of fixing my car that was not broken... And once again, it amazes me that most of the time, to most of us( me included) we the people accept this as ok, normal, and pay the bill, sign the paper. etc. We give lemmings a bad name.

Regularity

It is reassuring to know that there are corporations out there literally scheming to make sure I give a sh...t. Or maybe are concerned for my bowel health, that I may experience bloating or discomfort? Or perhaps it is just sponsored by the heart association that is sure that by increasing my daily intake of fiber I am sure to lower my cholesterol (which surely must be high), and prevent heart disease? So that I can live and work longer and continue to pay my insurance premiums without claim or file for medicare disability?

What EXACTLY does it mean when you come home to find a fairly large, unsolicited sample of fiber supplement in your mailbox? I thought it was a package from Amazon. Markets are collapsing, dire economic predictions, belt-tightening-- yet some marketing genius thought THIS was the perfect time to sell me on a fiber laxative. Seems to me most people might be a little loose in the bowel these days without any assistance. Never mind nauseous from the politics.
One more for the Either Supremely Amusing or Annoying "What are people thinking?!?" file... I've been smiling and shaking my head all afternoon at this one...

Media meltdown

One morning a week or so ago the TV blew up. It had been behaving erratically and then one morning in the middle of Sponge Bob, it gave up its ghost with a puff of smoke. The children were devastated. What will we do now? What will we do? There is nothing to do! Dad came and tried to set up the computer with a DVD but the computer crashed and when rebooted would not see the DVD device. Hmm. He spent 4 hrs. So the kids could watch TV. But the curse was too strong.

The TV still sits mute. But we have eaten meals at the table more often in the last week than in the last three months, we have played card games and board games. We rode bikes and took walks. We just talked.

In the interim my husband and I talked alot about cable and what we really want and use, and found that we want little and end up paying for a big package of stuff that we don't want. There is no way to say no thank you I don't want that. And no matter what fancy promotion/rewards/premium offer you sign up for after fees and the promotional period ends the cost is obscene. Similar to the obscene disproportion of space that breakfast cereal and soda take up in a grocery store.

I find myself again in that place of does any one else notice how insane this is?
If Keeping up with the Kardashians is your thing, well .. never mind. But ever the National Geographic Programming has fallen into the hyper dramatized, digitally recreated mode. So little is authentic any more.

I watched Fame with K1 and shocked her with some breasts and the f word, because she has dreams of fame that are fed by Disney and I wanted her to see a little more reality of the struggle. What really impressed me how normal the characters in the film looked. Normal everyday buck-teethed people dressed in hand-me-downs with immigrant parents. Not these shiny perfect beings with clueless or absent rich parents that live on Planet Disney.

So maybe the next title will be in search of authenticity.

Relief in Sight

I love summer, I really do, but by this time of year I am glad for fall and for that turning of the wheel for Moms, the first day of school. As wonderful as summer is the kids are like the unemployed hanging around without focus, gradually losing inertia. I feel like the cruise director trying to provide diversions. I am always glad to have the structure of the schedule back again and the rhythm of the days returns quickly. Somehow everyone seems more content.