Is it just me?

I found my thoughts in my morning coffee, just as I expected. They were still squirming enough to bring me to the keyboard, even though I onlyhave 10 minutes before I have to run. I now don't know where to begin. I spent most of my life feeling like I was on the outside looking in, watching sometimes tragedy, sometimes comedy in which things seemed to be so clear to me, but not to the players. Maybe I need medication. Maybe that would help me feel like I belong. But then when I look closer I'm not sure I want to be one of them. Chances are if you are reading this you are one of the more conscious beings on this planet, and you may very well feel the same. What I am seeing now is a species that is rather insane and self destructive. A culture that values growth and expansion but is terrified of death and contraction. In the human body, it is called cancer. Rest is not rest anymore it is an alternate diversion. If you are not doing something, and passive activities like sleeping do not qualify, there is something wrong with you. And if there is something wrong with you, you better fix it quick or something worse will happen. Yikes! What are people doing to themselves?
Are most people handling it, oblivious, or just putting on a brave face?

Some people don't feel pain...

but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I have had some interesting reactions to K1 's mystery disease. Yes, the Mono tests were negative (jumping up and down for joy). A negative on a laboratory report does not necessarily relieve symptoms, however. So there was much consternation about the house and confusion with friends that she was not staying the full day of school. She's droopy, spent most of the last two weeks on the couch, yet the news is supposed to change everything. What is it with the world that we are not allowed to stop? I had more thoughts on that but they ran out of the room when the kids came in. I'll find them in my coffee in the morning.
Ok one kid on my shoulder , the other almost on my lap, I guess I have to stop now and put them to bed... Stay tuned for more adventures from the recovery room....

Photography is phun.

The secrets of the universe lie within....

Taking pictures of nothing in particular with supermacro setting. Its a great camera if I could figure out how to use it(and remember what I figured out the last time).

I have two supermodels in my house who are ready at a moments notice for a shoot.

adrift in the sparkling aftermath

This morning the house became suddenly silent. After the door closed the last time, I found my self standing in the glittering rubble of the morning after a costume event. In my right hand was the phone, in my left the vacuum cleaner. I could hear the refrigerator hum, but I could also hear my head pounding. I set both down in the mess and walked away. In the clutter and chaos of my office, where all things of mine are thrown to be dealt with later, my chair was in two peices. The screw knob had fallen off the bottom of the chair months ago and I didn't have the patience to figure out where it came from. Now where did I put it?
Last night, while I was trying to find my elf ears for my costume, K2 sprinkled generous amounts of glitter on her feather puff wand and went around blessing every one in the house with her magic. Then she spun around on my chair until it fell apart. When she saw how displeased I was with all the fairy dust everywhere and my lack of ears, she pleaded that she really didn't DO ANYTHING to the chair.
There is always a point where all the irritation becomes just ridiculous, and that was it for me. I propped the chair back against the wall and sighed. A giggle bubbled up from the madwoman inside of me.
"Lets just go" I said, and we went.
And it was fine, until this morning when it was all still there.
After searching all horizontal surfaces within a four foot radius, I found the knob on the bottom of the chair, screwed into a hole that did nothing. I didn't remember putting it there, but new I had put it somewhere where I wouldn't lose it. I put the chair together, and felt I was now really getting somewhere. I unearthed my laptop from the bills and school reports and, yes, more glitter and booted up and logged on.
So what what I going so write about today? I forgot. I 'm just glad to finally be here.

just a few minutes ago it was yesterday

Today is K2's birthday. Well technically not until 11:47pm tonight. I was a bad mom and had nothing prepared due to K1's velcro like behavior this week. Awkard, as she is only a couple inches shorter than me. I thought they'd be easier to peel off when they got older, but apparently illness reverses that. So anyway, a friend called and I saw an escape for an evening and gleefully told the kids to ask dad what's for supper. Reality kicked in again as I was driving home at 11p. Who knew Price Chopper was open at this time of night and I could put a one woman birthday surprise together! The wonders of civilization never cease to amaze. Of course there was a rather creepy fellow in the frozen foods section. 'Pizza and a movie, huh?' I thought. ' Forgot somebody's birthday?' he thought. You know a huge grocery store is kind of a spooky place in the middle of the night.

Well, we are having chocolate cake for breakfast. Life is good.
Let's see if I can wake up early enough to light the candles....

to blog or not to blog... that is the question.

Ok, I'm on the bandwagon now folks. Maybe this will be a solution to the profound silence my friends sometimes experience from me. I apologize to any feeling neglected. I love you all, but sometimes find it excruciating to make one more conversation. With all the "mommy" 's there is so little replenishing quiet to be found. Just the presence of another two legged life form in the house has my attention prickling. The best time is when it is just me the clocks and the refrigerator hum, with the occasion burst of keyboard tapping, of course. K1 the larger of my two offspring has been home with --what is not yet cofirmed, but looking suspiciously like-- mono. The girl who could drive me and her little sister, aka K2, crazy with her energy is so sadly tired and droopy and able to lie for 20 of 24 hours on the couch or in bed. While hubby is highly skeptical and believes in the old "tough it out" approach. I have personal experience with this kind of fatigue and the guilt inspired by the dismay of the healthy people around you. I told her that I believe her if she says she just can't get up and go to school. She is in tears with that guilt, and says she is sorry to me everyday that she can't get up. Hubby says , albeit after too much wine, that I am creating a monster. I think the worse monster is created by threatening the trust a child has in you to take care of them, and teaching them to doubt and ignore the signals their body is sending them. I want my daughters to listen to their bodies wisdom. K1's is telling her she needs to cucoon for a while.

I am once again impressed by the pressure of the world "that runs on dunkin". Don't stop for god's sake! Don't stop! I can hear the anxiety in the voices of the school office and nurse. The dismay that she is out for so long. From activities to fundrasiers the incoming blizzard threatens to overwhelm and smother. Like junk mail I begin to resent them. It reminds me often of a schizoprenic patient I saw in nursing school. Flight of ideas. Insanity. Chaos pretending to be order.

I may end up on a mountain top one day. Or I may just get better at blowing it all off.

Listen to the voices today, on radio, TV , even in the grocery line or office. Listen to how much fear there is every where. War death disease terrorism recession interest rates bacteria, not to mention wrinkles and clean toilets ( does anyone really believe they can or should bother disinfecting a toilet???) It is amusing when it is not annoying.

But today I will go forth and try to not be afraid of the insanity, not be a vector for the fear, and to be amused as much as I can.

Is there any body out there?( with the Pink Floyd echo)