I have always been here

I have always looked out from behind these eyes

It feels like more than a lifetime

Feels like more than a lifetime

Sometimes I get tired of the waiting

Sometimes I get tired of being in here

Is this the way it has always been?

Could it ever have been different?

Do you ever get tired of the waiting?

Do you ever get tired of being in there?

Don't worry, nobody lives forever,

Nobody lives forever

"A New Machine - Part I"

Pink Floyd

Momentary Lapse of Reason

On my feet

Well now I finally know what they call the flu, and I will definitely get my flu shot every year after this experience. Although I did get it this year and of course the strain that hit was not included in the vaccine. I have to admit I've never had more than a bad cold until now. I am upright at last, and swaying through my daily routine, but I still feel really weird. Dizzy, off balance and sometimes my skin just hurts like I have a fever, but I don't. At its worst-- muscle aches and headache that were unrelieved by anything over the counter. Pure misery. A day or two of that sure has you feeling grateful for good health!

Back to work tomorrow and then I have two days worth of competitions to go to this weekend, although I plan to abbreviate my exposure as much as possible. Then it's 3 weekends off! Even K1 is feeling the lack of time ( :0 we don't have any time to go shopping OMG!)

All I have to do is make it through April...

Plague or something like it...

So I have finally caught a cold that airborne couldn't keep at bay. I spent the whole day on the couch after going to bed at 6pm last night. I was wondering when I would break my healthy streak. People around me have been falling like flies to all sorts of flu like symptoms and I felt strangely immune. Not anymore! (or as inspector clouseau says "neyt anymuir").
I told my girls they had to take care of me today. K1 cleaned the kitchen, K2 made me soup--ok she forgot it in the microwave and I had to crawl out to get it myself, but it is the thought that counts, right? Speaking of thoughts, K1 asks me if I am better yet. She always has an agenda and I think she is gravely inconvenienced at the moment.
The fun of the game of take care of mom evaporated quickly.

I always love the question "are you feeling better yet ?" or "are you feeling any better ?" It is a question that wants only one answer. It is an implied hurry up already. No, I am not any better yet, thank you very much. When you see me upright for any longer than it takes to go to the bathroom or the kitchen and back you might inquire again. K1 and K2 are giving each other the look that says "mommy's cranky."
It's my turn, I say, please pass the tissues.

Parent volunteers

These are two small words that have a profound effect on me these days. My eyes fell on them today as I stood at the kitchen counter finishing the last bite of supper. Of the hundreds of flyers from school that get batched next to the toaster, I can't now remember which one it was, nor does it really matter since they all say the same thing. Another activity/group/comittee wanting a piece of me. I tear them in quarters and use them for scrap paper since it is a shame to waste the unprinted side. All those nice bright clean pages in eye catching colors. All those fancy fonts and clipart. All those trees.
Parent volunteers. I laughed out loud and my daughter asked why. I wasn't exactly sure, but I did feel a little unhinged at the moment. I think it is a side effect of the cheerleading frenzy.
(Volunteers, yeah... right...) I don't feel very voluntary right now. I feel something more like roped in.
Parent Volunteer for Sunday's competition wanted: Drive 2hrs to Boston, pay $12 admission fee, stand for 1hr, sit on bleachers for four hours, drive 2 hours home. Mission: to qualify by minimum score to drive 9 hours to Virginia Bach in May.
Yay! we won 2nd place out of 2, and we qualify. That means we get to go (read 18hours round trip+ $300 min food and lodge) to VA!!!
Ok.. where's the koolaide? Maybe then this would make sense.
But seriously, folks, I think I may pull the plug at least on that trip. I can't seem to swallow all day for the knot in my throat and past experience tells me that I need to speak up.
Parent Volunteers. LOL No thanks, not for me.

Blah, blah, blah.

Hard Rock man rides again!

Here is a great collage of my life. I call it my desk.

I went, I saw, but I didn't drink the koolaid...

For those of you who might have wondered where I have been lately, I have been on Planet Cheerleader. I am still recovering from the effects of reentry. This weekend I was in Providence at the Convention Center for two days with my family and about 2 million other people and about as many permutations of lycra, sequins and glitter that you could ever imagine, each more garish than the next. The music was so loud my sternum was vibrating. The second day K2 and I wore ear plugs. Hubby is much more tolerant of loud music, but acknowledges he is probably already slightly deaf .

There were probably more than 50 teams competeing in different levels. Being a fan of dance and gymnastics, I was hoping to watch the other teams. But I quickly found myself running for refuge from the onslaught of superbass. I could only stand it for 15 or twenty minutes at a time, and that was spent watching K1's team. She was nervous but loving it and still loves it, but I can't hide from her what it takes out of me.

We were like passengers of a cancelled flight, roaming the crowds, paying 9 dollars for a banana and a bottle of water at the concession, propped up in corners on the floor of the outer hall awash in a sea of cheer people. We invented games and I taught K2 a little photography compostion. On the second day she fell asleep on my lap in a 120 decibel fishbowl of sound with one ear plug in and my palm over her other ear. I felt so bad for her I let my leg fall asleep and did not move.
The things we do for our children.

A few of the other parents had the frowning lost look that reflected how I felt. We found each other in the crowd and every one had the same question. So what are we supposed to be doing? I suppose I had silent commrades in my inner outrage, but little was said. We were all too dazed.
There is this tally sheet going in my mind.

$450 for hotel, food for 4, including tickets @ $25 dollars a head x 3 :the price for the exquisite auditory torture at 124dB. K1 as a participant was tortured for free, although she enjoyed less of it being on the stage behind the bank of speakers.

Sandblasting, Loud Rock Concert 115dB
Pain begins 125dB
Pneumatic riveter at 4' 125dB
Jet engine at 100', Gun Blast 140dB

I figure I must be spending too much time in my cave to not be able to comprehend that people actually want to do this for FUN!

I am still processing (always processing) but the thing that struck me is the extremeness of it all. The music has to be louder, the costumes more glittery, the makeup heavier, --faster! more! bigger! Somehow it has grown past ridiculous to the point of true insanity. Does no one notice? Or is it just to unpopluar to speak up? Or is this what the majority really wants? The market usually provides what the people buy, do is this what people really want?

Whichever, I am not one of them. I did not, can not, and will not drink the koolaide.

Since I honor my commitments, I will honor this one and willingly agree to submit until the beginning of May. I will likely be a little deafer and perhaps punch drunk from the assault on my presumably more refined sensitivities, but even more committed to living a sane and rational life.

My husband once told me to ask why five times. And now that I do the world looks much different.

PS. The job is still great, full of exciting potential and I am honing my manifestation skills. My mind is lit up like a pinball machine, and it feels so good after being buried for the last few years.